[from GBFMmadeus, a screenplay by Jane Frigging Austen]
Emperor: And of course, our illustrious Court Money Composer, Maestro Bernanke.
Bernanke: At last! Such immense joy, delecto strawddeneirwehoohowdoIspellItalianlollz-
GBFM(TM): Yes, I know your work well Signore. Funny little policy but it taught me what not to do.
Emperor: And now Maestro Bernanke has returned the favor and composed this little monetary ditty in honor of you.
GBFM(TM): Oh, oh, lollzlzozloz!
Emperor: And now, gentlemen, did we settle at last for the fiat currency or the gold standard?
Kapellmeister Rubin: Actually, sire, if you recall, we did finally incline to the FIAT currency.
Chamberlain Chesterton (skeptical): DID we?
Baron Von Mises: I don’t think it was really decided, Your Highness.
GBFM(TM): Oh, gold! Gold! Please, let it be the gold standard!!
Emperor: Really? why?
GBFM(TM): Because it’s proven to be the most wonderful policy!
Kapellmeister Rubin (sneering): Oh! Have I seen it?
GBFM(TM): I don’t think you have. I mean, it’s quite old! And you never read any Classical Political Economy.
Emperor: Well, tell us, GBFM. What’s your policy?
GBFM(TM): Well the whole thing is premised, it’s premised, you see, on the discovery that the whole of modern society is like a, like a– a– lolzlolzzlzllzolozlllozlzz!!!
Emperor: Yes. What?
GBFM(TM): Like a harem, your Majesty. A hypergamous seraglio.
Kapellmeister Rubin: You mean like the Age of Iron(y)?
Kapellmeister Rubin: Then why especially do you require the Gold Standard?
GBFM(TM): Well, hypothetically it could be bimetallism. But at least there should be a standard, best a GOLD Standard, based on solid Great Virtues.
Bernanke (sarcastic): I’m sorrow Majesty, but, what do you suppose these Great Virtues could be? (officious) Being an economist, I would love to learn!
Emperor: Well, tell him, tell him GBFM. Name for us a Great Virtue.
GBFM(TM): Love, sire.
Bernanke: Oh, love, love! Being a financier, I know nothing about love!
[sneering laughter of approval from the other financial wizards]
GBFM(TM): No, Herr Chairman, I don’t think you do. I mean, reading The Economist magazine. Open borders, fiat printing, no-fault divorce, that’s not love, it’s–it’s, just BUTTHEXING!
[Doktor Summers bellows with uneasy laughter, then stops himself]
GBFM(TM): Sire, you must decide. Give me the gold standard, and it will be my task to help usher in the most just and harmonious society any monarch has ever presided over.
Emperor: Well then, let it be the gold standard. Oh and here, Kapellmeister Bernanke’s little ditty is for you.
GBFM(TM): Keep it if you want, Majesty. It’s already here in my head.
Emperor: Really? from one hearing only?
GBFM(TM): It’s not like I don’t hear it everyday from the Wall Street Journal editorial page.
Emperor: (skeptical) Show us.
GBFM(TM) moves to the clavichord, pops knuckles. Begins:
GBFM(TM): “First we tax, and we spend, and we borrow some
Then we tax, and we spend, and we print fiat coin
Then we tax and we spend and we print some
Then we all starve to death in a ditch
Then we tax and we spend and we print some
And we’ll all starve to death in a ditch–
Then the illegal immigrants come and bury us,
Then the illegal immigrants come and bury us,–”
That doesn’t really work, does it?
[cut to BERNANKE, furious]
GBFM(TM): Should we try a bit more:
“Then we cut taxes and we spend and we print some–”
“We cut taxes and reform spending and end divorce court–”
“And we won’t have to die in a ditch,
No, we can live well and be reasonably rich.”
“If we teach women to respect the marriage bed
And flush Deconstruction from their heads
Then they’ll raise children right and not go insane
And their husbands can put to use all their brains.
Education will consist of the Great Books
Instead of the sneers of Marxist kooks,
Boys can learn some math and engineering too
But above all, they’ll respect the Great Virtues.
Heroic deeds require more than Finance,
Or swinging the cocka that’s in your pants–
And the highest deed you could ever do
Is discover Truth, create Beauty, follow Virtue.
If America you would reform,
You must readopt ancient norms,
Truths Dr. Johnson knew of old,
Then your wives will ne’er be desouled!–
No, your daughters will ne’er be desouled!–
And we’ll restore the Age of Gold!!!
[GBFM(TM) pauses for dramatic effect, then reitertes:]
Age of Gold!!!